


Reptillian American

by FloralEyeBalls



Series: Grace thinks she's funny (crack fics) [2]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: AU, Crack, I'm Sorry, Lizard!Mikey, M/M, Mikey Way is literally a lizard, this isn't srs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 19:42:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4072210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloralEyeBalls/pseuds/FloralEyeBalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pete scoffed, "yeah as if you wouldn't be able to tell if your boyfriend was a lizard"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reptillian American

**Author's Note:**

> Crack fic inspired by a note in my phone from like 8 months ago that just said "lizard fic" and the dragon emoji 
> 
> I wrote this to help with my writers block. un-beta'd and if I'm being honest I haven't even spell checked it....soz

Pete and Mikey have been dating for three years, Pete felt like he should know everything there is to know about his boyfriend. He didn't feel like Mikey was hiding anything, until one fateful day when all was revealed.

it started like any other day, Pete and Mikey woke up, had sex, made cereal, had sex, then had shower sex. before Mikey had to get dressed and go to his job as a pest control specialist. 

Pete was left alone with nothing to do until his lover returned so they could have their afternoon sexy times. He was bored and decided to see what was on TV. He flicked through every channel about four times before settling on Oprah. 

"welcome to our special edition of The Oprah Winfrey show" Oprah's voice said from the wall mounted TV, "today we will be talking about how to tell if your partner is actually a reptilian alien masquerading as a human" 

Pete scoffed, "yeah as if you wouldn't be able to tell if your boyfriend was a lizard". he considered changing the channel but then figured that this was at least going to be mildly humerus and stop him from dying of boredom for twenty minutes. 

"just follow our simple six step guide to finding out if your partner is hiding their true reptilian self from you!" a peppy guest said, "step one: does your partner have dry, scaly skin?" 

"huh", Pete thought, "Mikey kinda dose have dry scaly skin..." He laughed it off, "how funny would it be if Mikey was actually a lizard!?" 

"step two: does your partner enjoy lounging in the sunlight?" 

"ha yeah, Mikey touching sunlight! that'd be a miracle" Pete started but then thought about the week before, when him and Mikey were fucking on their back deck and just before he came Mikey rolled them off the deck and into the sunlight screaming "SWEET SWEET SUNLIGHT BATHE MY COLD BLOOD".

At the time Pete just thought he was referring to Pete as "sweet sweet sunlight" but now he sees how it could be weird. 

"step three: does your partner enjoy the company of lizards?" 

"okay this is getting weird" Pete said as he looked around at the hundreds of lizard posters covering the walls of every room in their apartment. even the lizard room, a room Mikey had insisted they put aside to house their twenty-six pet lizards. 

Pete sat up a little straighter, becoming invested in the program. 

"step four: does your partner eat bugs?" 

Mikey ate bugs for a living. literally. he was a pest control man and would get paid to go into people's houses and eat all their termites and whatnot.

He also sometimes ate cockroaches or spiders when they were in the shower, but Pete just thought that was because he knew that Pete hated them. What kind of boyfriend wouldn't eat the occasional cockroach to keep his boyfriend happy?

"step five: does your partner have a long forked tongue?" 

"oh you bet he does ;)" thought Pete, thinking about all the things Mikey could do with his long forked tongue.

Pete was getting worried now, what if Mikey was a lizard?

"and finally, step six: is your partners skin green?" 

"omg" Pete said out loud, "Mikey Way is a lizard! how didn't I notice sooner?"

Pete tried to calm himself with the knowledge that it really isn't that unusual to have a green, scaly, lizard obsessed boyfriend. He's sure these kind of things must happen all the time. that's why Oprah has this episode in the first place! 

Pete shut off the TV and paced the living room nervously until Mikey returned from work. 

As soon as he steeped through the front door Pete was on him. "Mikey, we need to talk" 

"can we have sexy times first?" Mikey winked, poking out his forked tongue. 

"Mikey....I was watching Oprah today and she was talking about reptilian aliens and... fuck, what I'm trying to say here is, Mikey are you a lizard?"

"yessssss" Mikey hissed, unrolling his tongue to catch a fly as it flew past. 

"I've been fucking a lizard for three years?!" Pete screamed in shock 

"I prefer the term reptilian American, thank you" Mikey said

"why didn't you tell me? being a liz-reptilian American is kinda a big deal" Pete was still a little hysteric 

"Pete, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, I was going to tell you! I was just waiting for the right time" 

"it's okay, let's just decide to always be honest with each other from now on okay?" 

"of course" Mikey agreed and stepped into Petes open arms for a warm embrace

**Author's Note:**

> I literally wrote this on my phone all day today, like while waiting for my bus, and eating my lunch and peeing. it was weird but helped the day fly by


End file.
